Every morning I wake up thinking “Today will be a better day”
Everyday, for more months than I care to count, I finish the day feeling battle weary.
Every night I close my eyes to sleep clinging to the hope that sleep will bring renewal and I will wake up feeling better.
Every once in a while, not often, I allow myself to fall in a heap and cry and exclaim “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t take the pain, I can’t take my body constantly attacking me, beating me, crippling me, attempting to break me”
I am so tired. The rollercoaster of surgeries, disease flares, constant fevers and flu like symptoms everyday, broken legs, toxic medication and little evidence of any signs of improvement or even any hope of improvement, is just plain exhausting.
My situation exhausts my medical team too. They want to fix it. It’s what they do, it’s why they became Doctors and when they come across someone in my situation it breaks them as much as it breaks me. I think I admire and respect them for that more than anything else they have done for me.
I often think during my daily rest periods, “It’s got to get better, hasn’t it?” I allow myself to look back on my active days. I enjoy recalling those days, although the stark difference to how I am today can sometimes cause the tears to flow. I then look ahead to days when I see myself feeling better with stronger, healed legs and my Bone Disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis under control. I think about what the future holds if my health improves even a little and I allow myself to dream dreams. I also think of what the future holds if things get worse and what further changes might be needed in terms of day to day living. I worry about what will happen to me if anything happens to my husband.
That thought actually makes me count my blessings that I’m not there and I begin to dwell on all the things I can still do in the here and now with the wonderful support I have from a caring and loving husband.
Hope returns. That little voice that says ” Maybe tomorrow will be better”