From Chaos to Calm

I’ve had a week of surprises. I should be used to the unexpected by now & generally I am. I take the shocks & twists & turns my body throws at me in my stride most days, most weeks.

This week felt different though. Two weeks ago I felt a snap in my left foot. I knew that wasn’t good. I knew instantly it was broken. I probably should have gone to my Dr straight away but I also knew that nothing much could be done for a foot fracture so I just made sure I was more diligent in using my crutches & I tried to rest it as much as possible.

A week ago the pain was increasing. I needed repeat prescriptions so had to see my GP anyway, so I calmly told him about my foot. He calmly gave me a CT scan & xray referral. He wasn’t prepared to take any chances.

I usually act on these things straight away but maybe this time some thought,  deep inside  my sub conscious, was telling me I didn’t want to know, not yet anyway.

Fast forward to Monday this week, a week after receiving the referral forms. The pain in my foot was excruciating. I couldn’t function, even in my non functioning way. I knew something was wrong.

We went to our local radiology branch & thankfully it was quiet & I was called in straight away. Now it’s rare for  foot stress fractures to show on x-rays so I was pretty confident they wouldn’t find much. The radiologist knows me well as I’m there every 3 months for review x-rays of my broken femur. She is super efficient which I love but on this day she excelled. I had hardly laid down on the imaging table when she came running out to tell me ” Your foot is well & truly broken, you need a CT scan now”

My response was equally as quick, “So not just a stress fracture then!!”

I could feel a sense of chaos moving through my bones. The bone disease was alive & well & ramping up & I knew that wasn’t good. I’ve been so fatigued for the past few months & my bones have been throbbing. I’ve put some of it down to my Rheumatoid Arthritis flaring & to be honest I’ve been hoping it was that as while it can’t be cured, it can be treated. My bone disease has no cure & no treatment with an unknown prognosis so I don’t like to dwell on that too much.

Chaos was building within me despite my relatively calm exterior. Not a feeling I like.

After the CT Scan, I was told I needed to call my Dr asap. It was late in the afternoon so first thing the next morning I called my Orthopaedic Surgeon. I knew in my heart there was nothing that could be done but he needed to know what was happening. He was about to head off on a Japanese skiing holiday so I was the last person he would have wanted to hear from!  He called back to say he can’t operate on it & we need to treat it conservatively, which I knew. He asked if I had dropped anything major on it. I said no & his response was that he wasn’t surprised given my bone disease but it was a bad break. He didn’t however tell me how bad!! I allowed calm to return, abating any chaos thoughts by reassuring myself I had done all I could to diagnose & manage the situation & all was under control.

Or so I thought…

Thursday I had an appointment with my GP. It was just to get some paperwork signed & I wanted to get a copy of the CT scan for my records. I wasn’t up to travelling so my beautiful husband went on my behalf. My GP is always happy to let us do that & I just send a list of what I need to make it an easy & smooth appointment in my absence.

My husband rang me from the car as soon as he left the office. “Sam, you have 4 broken bones in your foot. It looks like it has been completely smashed”, he blurted out as fast as he could.

Chaos returned. The bone disease was, is, playing nasty!

I think we were both in shock for a few hours.  Even when you know something isn’t right, there is a difference between thinking you know & having it confirmed. Confirmation makes it real.

I contacted my Endocrinologist by email with a copy of the CT report, as she is the one who is managing my bone disease. Actually monitoring is a better word as it is really unmanageable.

She emailed me back within 10mins. Her first line of the email was, “Oh Sam, your foot is behaving VERY badly!!”

She then asked when my next appointment with her was. I said end of May & her instant reply was, “I need to see you sooner”

I could feel her sense of chaos rising through the email reply. She knows this disease is out of control. She knows I know it’s out of control. She really can’t do anything about it but meeting together will actually bring us both reassurance that I’m ok and that she cares. That in itself has a calming effect in an otherwise chaotic situation.

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I’m having a quiet reflective day today. A day to order my thoughts, rest my leg & foot & body & mind. At the end of the day, this disease will do what it will do. Our bodies are not designed to last forever. I cast my thoughts to the things I know last forever & the things & people that anchor me. My hope & faith in God first & foremost. I then think about the blessings that surround me. My loving husband, my beautiful home, friends & family. Chaos may try & intrude on my peace but not for long. Calm does always return, even in the midst of a difficult path. Calm says, you’re ok, you’ve got this.

It’s been a tough week but a good week as, despite the circumstances I have managed to journey “From Chaos to Calm”.

 

 

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